Transitions in Marriage

One thing I have learned is that when you marry your spouse, you also marry the family. It is important at this time to stay close to the family. I think it is important to try and develop a relationship with extended family because you are going to be with them for the rest of your life. I am grateful for my own relationship with my own in laws, they are wonderful and I am grateful to be marrying into such a wonderful family. I honestly couldn’t imagine marrying into a better family because they are a lot like my own family.

However, one thing that I believe to be important is that once a couple is married, is they lean and rely one another rather than their family. Husband and wife should support each other, and I believe that is best done by cleaving unto each other and becoming independent together. 

Council

I love Elder Ballard’s book. I own it and have read it several times, and think that it has a lot of insightful information. It allowed me to feel grateful to be a member of a church that is well organized where our leaders love one another so much and care for the well being of the church. It showed me how I can be a better member of my family.

Here are some of my favorite insights:

Before beginning their discussion, they express love and appreciation for one another.

I was impressed to find out that the apostles start their meetings expressing their love and appreciation for each other. It wasn’t surprising to me because it is a Christ-Like thing to do, but I had never thought about them doing that before. I feel like that helps invite the spirit and humbles the men to know what the will of god is. In a way, it made me feel loved by the apostles even more because when they meet, it is for the Church Members benefit, when they express their love for one another, the spirit is able to reside more, and they are able to discuss what they need to do to help the Church and its members. It makes me feel loved because they take counseling with one another seriously. It reminds me of missionaries doing companionship inventory, they are to start that meeting with sharing something they love about them before giving feedback. I think it makes the environment healthier and happier. I think this can be related to a marriage. Couples should never provide feedback without sharing what they love about their spouse. If you only talked about the negative, it wouldn’t be a very happy or even lasting marriage. You need that balance and more of the positive expression of love and appreciation to make a healthy relationship.

They meet in a sacred location which is dedicated and protected from evil influences

 I am a firm believer that the home can be a heaven on earth, and can be as a temple, and should be a refuge from the world’s storms and tribulations. It is important to make the home that way so the spirit can dwell there. It is difficult to talk about the things of the Lord, or see others the way the Lord see’s them of the spirit is not present. I love that we can dedicate our homes so that they can be protected from Satan’s plans. If our homes are a temple and a heaven on earth, and we are righteous, our families will progress towards the Lord together.

I believe that having my own council that is designed very similarly to the apostles is wise and would allow for increased respect for one another. I believe that having a family council, especially between husband and wife can help draw families closer to one another and allow them to develop a stronger bond as husband and wife.

Marital Poop Detector

Have you ever heard of a Marital Poop Detector? Sounds weird right? But it’s totally true. It is John's Gottman's Theory from his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Basically what this comes down to is that a partner in the relationship is able to tell where BS is brought up therefore the issue is able to be brought up and fixed. Many people see this as nagging, but honestly, would you rather be happy or living in conflict? I believe that the more you bring up conflict right away and get down to the critical issue, so the couple can get back to living happily!

I remember there was a time in my relationship with Phil that we were afraid to bring up conflict because we didn’t want to have any arguments. But by doing that, we almost had to end our relationship because we couldn’t confront each other about our issues that needed to be fixed. Then one day we just had to sit down and talk about everything that had been our minds throughout our relationship. I believe that night was a pivotal moment in our relationship because it helped us realize that we need to be honest about relationship and talk about problems that need to be addressed.

I think that couples need to be comfortable with each other enough to be able to work out problems they encounter. I believe that if they cannot accurately express their emotions and feelings for one another than I believe the marriage is on a really rocky and steep path. I don’t see the poop detector as a bad thing, I see it as an opportunity for the couples to help lift each other up to make them a better person.

One Heart... One Mind

I think that one of the main issues with forgiveness is being able to humble your self and let go of pride, and just focus on what needs to be solved and accomplished.

Maybe it is because I am not married and I can’t fully understand the pride cycle within a marriage, but I really do not understand how some people would think it is a good idea to treat a spouse that way. I think that if there is pride in a marriage, then the marriage needs a lot of work. In my opinion, marriage is a lot of hard work, but it takes both couples putting their complete effort into the relationship. Marriage is not a 50/50 thing. Each couple needs to be putting 100% in each. I believe that as they do this, they will become more humble diminishing pride. The more humble they become, the closer they will be drawn together, therefore drawing closer to the Lord. I think that one of the best ways couples can do that is by putting their spouses needs before their home. Being selfless, in my opinion has helped me become humble and I think is a great way to get out of the pride cycle. Marriage is about love and nurturing your spouse. I believe that if pride becomes present, it can destroy the happiness that once was their which could take a lot to get back. I think if couples make sure that the Lord is present and that they are able to have that Christ-like love and throw away the worldly views that it can be a successful marriage.

My all-time favorite scripture is Matthew 11:28-30. I have found a lot of solace and peace when I use it in my life. I have enjoyed the comfort that it brings and how I am able to use it in my life whenever I am stressed. I have learned that through the Lord anything is possible and he is there for us to lift us up when we are down. I believe that the Lord desires us to go to him. He wants us to use his atonement to take away our burdens. That is why he suffered for us. He loves us so much that he died for us so that he can be happy and be forgiven for our sins. Life is really hard, but I have found that if I use the Saviors atonement, that life is a lot easier and worth living!

I believe that scripture fits in really well with the idea of consecrating a marriage as well because it teaches us that we can turn to the Lord to take away our sins and sorrows, but we can also turn to our spouse. One thing that I believe strongly is that our spouse needs to become our greatest friend and the one that we turn to when we need to be strengthened. I believe that in order to make a marriage sacred and consecrated the Lord needs to be present. I strongly believe that the closer the couple draw near to one another, the closer they get to the Lord. That is why I love the idea of a couple giving 100% instead of 50%. If each couple is providing 100% effort into the relationship, they are becoming of one heart and one mind, which is what Zion is. I believe that every married couple can experience Zion in their home if they strive to draw closer to the Lord while at the same time, drawing closer to one another. If they do that, they are no longer two separate individuals living separate lives, but they are one, experiencing life together.

Pride

My fiancé often says “I am the most humble person I know”. I think that is very true in many cases with many people. Of course it is just a joke to say “yes, I know I have pride”, I know it rings true for me. Pride is one of the most horrible quilities that keeps me from getting along with others. I have learned in my life that it is what keeps me from developing strong relationships because I cannot let go of what I believe and try to see a different perspective that may be brought up.

I think this can especially be true in a marriage that is just beginning to start out. Couples will, without a doubt, not always see eye to eye and it can damage the relationship if not taken seriously. I think one of the best ways to avoid pride in really any relationship, but especially marriage, is to actively listen, with the intention of actually trying to understand where your partner is coming from and see their point of view. I think that when you are able to actively listen, you will be able to learn things or see a different perspective you hadn’t thought of before and become humbled. I think the more we humble ourselves the more we grow closer to our significant other.

Family Dinners

Family dinners. It is so sad that it is not something that is common anymore. Less than 1/3 of families in the United States are having family dinners and if they are. Half of those families are eating in front of the TV and not engaging in meaningful conversation. I remember my family ate together every single night without fail. Dinner was every night at 6:30 pm and we needed to be there. Having family dinners were some of the best memories I have with my family. I think that it allowed us to draw closer to each other and learn about what is going on in everyone’s lives and see where any improvements can be made. I remember family dinners was where we were able to connect with each other and show our support as we laughed, talked about our day, and plan for future events. It was when I felt my family was closest. I believe that it is vital to making a happy home especially for the children. It has been proven to impact and improve every area of a child’s life and brings relationships closer together. 

I read an LDS living article from February, 2013 about the benefits of eating at home as a family, they highlighted four reasons why family dinner is so vital. One of the reasons that were most surprising to me was that children who did not have dinner with their families were twice as likely to get involved with illegal substances. What was even more shocking was that they were also more likely to reduce the likelihood of teen pregnancy and depression. Just that alone makes me want to be determined to have family meals.  The next reason why family dinners are so important is because it increases children’s success in schools and their self-esteem. My favorite reason as to why family dinner is so important is because it creates a bond that unites the family as one and reduces the contention in the home. I have seen this in my own family. I know that we are close because we have bonded over dinner because that is where we were able to have heart-to-heart conversations. One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite General Conference talks by Elder Oaks’ “Good, Better, Best” is “What your children really want for dinner is you.” I think that is inspired. So many children are often on their own for dinner and never get that attention from their siblings and parents they deserve. They need that attention for the family to thrive. The last reason is because it reduces the likelihood of children getting into unhealthy habits. It reduces the chances for obesity, and eating disorders as well as teaching them good habits for how they should be eating. 

So my question is why do families not see the importance of having family dinners together. This is something that will benefit families. I understand that many families are busy and put family dinners on the backburner, but the facts are proven that family dinners are of the most important part of creating a strong unit. I know that in my own future family, I will make it a priority to have family dinner. I want a successful family and I care very much about the success and happiness of my family. Especially my children. I want the best future for them and I believe having family dinners is the best way to help create and help them start off on a solid ground so they can have a bright and happy future. I am making a promise to my future family to make family dinners a priority so that we can be successful and happy. I know that family is the most important unit and relationship we will ever have on this earth and in the eternities so I want to make it strong by doing the simple things that will make it good forever. 
 

Getting to Know You

I have always though it was a good thing to know your spouse better than you know yourself and have them know you better as well. This week, I was able to reflect on my engagement and see where improvements could be made, My fiancé and I did the quizzes in John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, from chapters 4 and 5 and we felt as if we knew each other very well. It probably helped that we dated a year before we got engaged though. I think that truly knowing your spouse before getting married helps couples realize who they are marrying. One piece of advice I received from several people who I trust, said that you should see that person in several different situations to see how they handle them to know whether or not you agree with how they handle things.

I really like what the Love Map has to offer couples and how it teaches them to know one another. I think it makes sense, I know I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t know anything about me! That would be awful. I think it is important to marry your best friend. I know that I wouldn’t want to spend eternity with anyone else!

One thing I find important though is to continue to get to know your spouse throughout life. Right now, it seems like that could be hard, because I feel like I know everything there is to know about Phil, but I know that is not the case! I feel like it is important to often use the Love Map throughout the marriage to learn more about each other, especially because personalities change and there are still things that can constantly be learned about one another!

Marry Your Best Friend!

This week I started reading out of two books that I found to be very beneficial in regards to marriage and making marriage healthy and happy. I loved how similar the books are, but written in different perspectives. One from a secular point of view, and the other was religious. Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard and the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I really enjoyed these two perspectives because they give good advice to married couples on how to make the most of your marriage and make it as strong as possible. One thing I found that I really liked was the emphasis to make a marriage good, is to have your spouse become your friend. To me that seems obvious though, right? I couldn’t imagine not marrying my best friend. Phil and I are two peas in a pod, we complete each other and he is my better half. I wouldn’t even dare to marry someone who I didn’t share that deep connection with. Gottman states that “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship”. Couples need to have respect and love for each other or the marriage cannot be successful. I think it is important to learn everything you can about them. I know Phil better than I know myself and I would say that he knows me better than I know myself as well. I know his likes, dislikes, fears, greatest desires, and he knows that same for me. Our relationship is so strong because we built it off by becoming friends and putting one another’s desires and needs before our own. We also allow the Lord to be present in our relationship. We know that as we draw closer to each other, we also grow closer to the Lord, just as Elder Bednar describes in his triangle diagram. In order to do this, we have made it a goal to read scriptures and pray daily, as well as attend the temple with each other on a regular basis. We have found that as we do this, we are preparing for when we are married, to have good habits. I like what Goddard says in his book about the only way for a marriage to progress and succeed is if husband and wife rely on what God has provided us. We must let the gospel of Jesus Christ be present in our marriage. It even states that in The Family: A Proclamation to the World” that, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of our Lord and Savior.” How true that is! I would say that marriage is most successful when done by the right authority, right time, and the right place. That is the temple. I believe that my marriage will be start off on a good foundation because my sweetheart and I will be sealed for time and all eternity in the temple of the Lord. Our marriage will last even after death.

One of the greatest ways to avoid marital disputes is to become humble, and overcome the Natural man. I believe that if couples have charity and put each other first, the marriage will be blessed and saved. There will be conflict within marriage, but I believe it is important to know how to handle conflict in a way that will bring husband and wife closer, and not tear them apart. I think that if we are able to see our spouse as the Lord sees them, it will be easier to forgive them or let go of our pride when conflict or arguments may arise.

I am not married yet, however, I am well aware that marriage will be difficult but it is worth it. As Elder Joseph B. Worthlin stated, “true love lasts forever and is eternally patient, just as the Lord is”.     

The Temple is the Only Way to Go!

Something that I have been taught since I was a little girl was that marriage is essential to Heavenly Fathers plan and it is essential for us to do that in the temple so that we can have eternal life with our spouses and our children.

One thing that I have been thinking about lately and this is personally my opinion. When I was a child, I always just assumed that it would be me, my brothers, and my parents and that we would all live in this big home. However, now that I am engaged, I think about how it will be me, my husband and our children. However, now that I have thought about it, my children will have their children and so on. So really, I think about how my husband and I are will be together to create our own worlds. I still believe that we will all be sealed and in the Celestial Kingdom, we will all be one family and all will be equal in a sense but the one we are married to will be the one we progress with. I wonder if I am the only one who has this perspective?

I recently made it a goal to memorize The Family: A Proclamation to the World, and it was successful! By doing this, it became more of a standard to live by daily and something to implement than just something we all hang on our walls at home. I was able to dissect it and apply it to my life. It become apparent to me that men and women have their own roles and that both husband and wife provide certain qualities to the home. Some that the mother and only the mother can provide and it goes for the father as well. A child needs both mother and father.

“Husband and wife need cleave unto each other and none else” (Genesis 2:24)

“ Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 11:11)

These two scriptures describe perfectly what the Lord intends for his children. Husband and wife are to work together to perfect one another. It is important in an eternal marriage that each partner gives 100% and no less in order to make a happy marriage. I also love the analogy that Elder Bednar gives of the marriage triangle where the Lord, Husband and Wife are present and as husband and wife grow closer to one another they will grow closer to the lord.

Eternal marriage is of the highest degree of glory and a sacred covenant that we make with the Lord. It is a contract that is not only legal but an eternal covenant that allows our marriage to be continued beyond the grave. I cannot imagine a life where I couldn’t spend eternity without my spouse. I would be devastated if our marriage was only until death. I believe in temples and the house of the Lord makes it possible for me to be with my husband forever.  I could never imagine going anywhere but the temple. There is nothing in this life that would make me compromise that because the “Temple is a holy place where we are sealed together.” I love the Primary song I Love to See the Temple because it puts the doctrine of temple marriage into a clear perspective and allows us to remember to keep our eyes on the temple because the temple is the only way to be with our loved ones eternally.

 

I am a Defender of Marriage.

“Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.” Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, declared this at the BYU Graduation Commencement in 2014. I believe it to be true. God has set up certain laws for us to follow and he is superior to man. My goal is not to offend anyone with this week’s post, but I feel like this is important and needs to be shared. I firmly believe that marriage is only to be between a man and a woman. That is what God intended and he will not change his mind about that and neither will I. It is vital that children be raised by both a mother and a father who are married. Children deserve the best life there is for them. If they are to have a normal life, it should be done in the best interest for them. Bringing children into untraditional homes brings more damage and harm than it does good this is because they are being taught that the lifestyle they are being raised in is of good value and worth which will keep the epidemic going and increase the likelihood of that untraditional family lifestyle to continue to spread. The only benefit I see of having gay marriage be legalized is that children have two married parents instead of two parents that are just cohabitating. I firmly believe that children should not be brought into this world if they are going into a family that has parents that are unmarried. You lose that sense of commitment and stability and the families no longer much value because they aren’t connected in that bond that comes through marriage. I do not support gay marriage and I think children suffer regardless, however, it would be a better situation for them to have married gay parents rather than unmarried gay parents.In a case study that I recently read by the Supreme Court of the United States, It stated that children are doing just fine in homes that are untraditional, particularly gay/lesbian homes. I agree that they can still provide loving and nurturing homes, but I don’t see the beneficial advantages or where the children gain any values when brought up in a home like that. This type of lifestyle impacts the children and deprives them of having both a mother and a father. Children need that balance. It is important because mothers and fathers provide important qualities to the home and each different aspects. Fathers are to provide, preside and protect the family whereas mothers are to nurture, prepare and care. I believe in this principle firmly. Fathers and Mothers add different qualities and aspects to the home that one can do and the other can’t just because of natural gender tendencies.  That is why God created both a man and a woman. So they can be together. I am grateful for the council the Lord gives us. It provides us with the truth we need especially in these changing and challenging days.

Marriage between a man and a woman is beautiful and perfect in the eyes of god. It is the reason why we are here. It is part of God’s eternal plan for us. To marry and multiple and replenish the earth. I know that the Lord will bless those who follow that commandment. It is my responsibility to stand as an advocate for marriage and family in the most traditional way. Especially in these changing times. The adversary is doing everything he can to destroy the family and we need defenders of marriage, defenders of family and defenders of truth.

Thoughts about Divorce

This week I have been studying a lot about divorce. Divorce is not a very easy subject to read or learn about. I personally, have not directly felt the effects that come with divorce. However, I have learned that I am a rather empathetic person so I am able to put myself in the shoes of those people who have dealt with the grieving of divorce. I feel that I would be able to provide comfort, especially children, for those who are affected by divorce.

I have recently learned about a school that is especially for children who are going through their parents’ divorce that provides them with comfort to get through the heartache that comes with their parent’s separation. The school is an outlet for the children to express their feelings towards the situation through music, writing, art, theater, and books. It is a place where children that feel the same way they do can go to escape and know that they have a support system of children just like them. I found this school very fascinating because this is exactly what I believe children need. They need a place where they can be understood. The teachers at the school teach children positive ways to cope, and to reassure them that their parents’ divorce is not the child’s fault.  

I was especially surprised to discover that divorce rates are actually going down, after being the highest they ever have been in 1980. However, there are reasons as to why that is true. Since the 1980’s, cohabitation rates have gone up. Adults no longer find it necessary to get married, just live together, which is why divorce is going down. So really, that isn’t much better, because it’s like a double-edged sword. Yes, I am biased, but the facts are that the best possible lifestyle for children comes from a two-parent home.

Children that are blessed to have a two parent home are less likely to encounter issues. These children are able to grow up in stable homes and their standards for living are increased as well. On the other hand, those children who come from divorced families tend to have weak relationships with all those they encounter because their example, of their parents is not one to look up to.

Dallin H. Oaks has advised that “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” Perfection, is not a reachable goal, marrying the perfect guy or perfect woman is not going to happen, but what is possible is to become that perfect person for the person you want to spend your life with. I believe that if you want something to last forever you treat it differently.

I am engaged, and obviously, I want my marriage to last forever so I am going to treat it differently. I am going to become the perfect woman for Phil and I am going to put in 110% every day. Of course, trials will come, but I believe by being selfless and putting him first, many trials can be avoided!

Hello! My name is Elyse

Hello! My name is Elyse, I am currently a student at BYU-Idaho and I am studying Child Development with an emphasis in Family studies, my hope is to become a Guidance Counselor. I love learning about the Family and discovering new ways to making families last and become closer to one another. I believe though in order to have a healthy and strong family, it first starts with a healthy and strong marriage. Marriage is important for families because its two people coming together, to create life and raise children in such a way that will help them become the best they can be. In this blog, I am going to share my discoveries and ideas of how that can be possible. I am going to find not only how to make a strong marriage, but make it last!